Jeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, woweeeeeeee! Liberation!
In the neverending search for the root of my physical obstruction, I finally unveiled a big chunk of sorrow. It was for the loss of my joy, I grieved in the understanding that it is not OK to show my feelings of joy and happiness. How did this come about?
I think I might tend to be quite loud and present when I am enthusiastic. In fact I know I am. This does attract attention and attention attracts comments. Growing up in an environment where victims are seen as the true heroes in life and pain, problems and illness are a legitimate way for having and showing feelings and for receiving love and empathy, my lust for life and the joy of living were perceived as very selfish and antisocial.
Add some other experiences with people where my laughter and joy were thought to be at the expense of others and I saw no other option than to restrain my life’s energy. I restrained by means of my breath, and in doing so destroyed lungtissue to a degree that strongly impaired my physical energy.
Now that really is sad.
So this morning I cried, and I smiled, and I had this warm fuzzy feeling that everything is OK. And now I am exited.
Realising that others may feel painfully aware of their own feelings when I am abundantly happy, and that it is part of life, not part of any wrong doing on my part. I am now exited and have a sensation of awareness and openness for anything to come. Let me have it!…
